just not what i need.

please refrain from asking me "how I'm holding up."
i know everyone means well when they ask me this, but it's not okay with me.
it's not an everyday question you'd ask me if my husband was here.
and I'm trying to go on as normal as possible.
i can't tell myself, or trick myself, into thinking he's in the field.
this time it's different.
clearly, I'm not okay. i don't think i will be "okay" until he gets home.
even when Ryder gets here, something is still missing, and i will just float through the days.
i hate that my husband is gone, i hate that i don't really have an idea on where he is, that i can't call or text him if something happens. i hate the fact that doing things right now, being very pregnant, is difficult and he can't be here to help.
i don't need to hear that i am strong, it doesn't help.
strong or weak, i'd be doing it anyway. he's my husband and i love him. i don't have to be strong all the time to love him. i don't have to be strong to do this right now.
also, dont try to tell me you "kind of know what I'm going through" because half of you don't. the ones that do, you help me out a lot and i appreciate it.
but most that say it, don't have an effing idea. and i want to slap them, but I'm halfway across the country.
you try doing what i am doing, you wouldn't survive.
also, don't IM or text me with your random ass problems that have nothing to do with anything that i care about. i won't respond. yes i know my situation could be a ton worse, but my life is tougher than yours.
i don't need to play counselor because some guy doesn't want to be with you, you find yourself pregnant and then suddenly thats all i hear about, or that your hoping your ex comes back to you.
get over it.
yeah I'll blame my emotions on the pregnancy, yeah I'll blame it on Deployment.
reasons that actually make sense.
I'm not happy whatsoever that i will be delivering my husbands son without him. i don't care if I'm not the only one that's done it, i don't care that I'm "strong" and can do it, the point of it is, it will never be the same.
we're all trying to cope with lifes new changes, it's only day three and we're pushing ourselves too far.
I helped Monique pack and move into Lisettes, a new house, out of her and Steven's first home.
her and i and Lisette are trying to deal with living without the men that we have lived with everyday, seen, everyday, held, snuggled, and kissed everyday, for who knows how long. it's all so difficult.
and when they come home, it'll all change again. Monique will be moving, again. and trying to have a baby. Mike will come home to his son he's never met before.
while they're over there now, trying to settle into their next 7 months.
it all sucks, incredibly bad, even though obviously, A LOT of people go through the same thing.
i know i'm loved, i know i have people i can talk to, but i don't want to.
i just want to sleep right now.
i don't want to be asked how I'm holding up.
that reminds me of the pointless questions my husband asks me, that he isn't here to ask.
i will never forget when i asked him to bring home milk one day on his way home and he asked me "why? is the old milk bad?"
thats what i lived with. stupid, silly, pointless, obvious questions.
that's my husbands job, not yours.
i don't need to be strong, not here. I'll be strong for my husband and son.
where does strong get you? being strong doesnt change anything, it just makes the day a little easier.
weak or strong, you do the bare minimum just to survive and that's good enough. you survive.
i've slept, a lot. i've showered, i've gotten out of the house, i've made sure i ate and drank, i go back to sleep and i start all over again.
no strength involved, just me getting by.

no, I'm not alright.
I'm not holding up as well as i had hoped that i would.
but I'm alive.
i love my husband more than ever. i miss him more than i should right now. i need him more than he knows.
but that can't happen right now.

no, i won't give up. i won't ever give up on him. yes it blows, it's only day three and it's harder than i imagined.
but i can't pretend to be this macho human being anymore.
i am just Michaels wife, i am just Ryders mommy. and that's enough for me, more than that really isn't needed.


i love you baby, i miss you so much, i hate that we're apart.
but it doesn't matter how bad a day i have, how sad i get that you're not here, or how happy i am because i got to hear from you.
don't worry, we will be right here waiting for you when you get home.
we can't wait.
stay safe out there, come home to us, always. <3