Day One.

yesterday was the hardest of my life thus far.
the night before, he went to bed and i stayed up late reading my Nook.
i couldn't get myself to fall asleep, knowing it was our last night.
i ended up falling asleep on his bare chest at 2 in the morning, leaving a trail of tears across his heart.
we lay in a sea of blankets and arms and legs. all tangled up into one another, one last time.
we slept in a little bit, or rather, laid there until the alarm went off and we started our day. we showered, he regretfully packed his things, we got santanas and went to the baby doctor. 
for the last time, he got to hear his sons heartbeat.
we did things around the house, then went to Yucca for last minute things, then to Applebees for dinner.
it was all happening so fast, hours slipping right through our fingers.
we finished packing his things, we watched American History X, since for some reason we were both dying to watch it. 
we took our last shower and he asked me to wash his hair like old times. that was sad. =/
he wanted to lay and cuddle, so we did until it was almost time to go, that's what hit me the most. laying there wrapped in his arms. i didnt want him to go.
but then, it was time.


we had to be at the shop at 0145 in the morning.
they were told it would be a fast goodbye, but they didn't leave until almost 0500. it was so, so hard. i was fine until the buses rolled in. that was when we all lost it, it started to sink in, our husbands were leaving.
we hugged and kissed goodbye before he got into formation. and right when they were done, they all hurried to line up at the bus. i wasnt sure if i was allowed to go to him, but i did anyway.
i held onto him, i told him that i loved him, and made him promise to come home to us. i tried not to get choked up but that was impossible.
he was the first one on the bus and i stood next to this window, that sucked, because you could barely see out.
but he was blowing me kisses and making heart shapes with his hands anyway.
i watched him, i whispered to him that it would be alright, even though i knew he couldnt here me.
he put his head back and closed his eyes, i wish i could have kissed those eyes. 
and then, they were gone.


i havent never felt my heart rip in half as it did last night. 
saying goodbye this time was by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
watching him kiss my belly, the last time he will see this belly, and come home to our 7 month old baby.
the last moment that things were going to be like they have been.
it killed me.
Monique, Lisette, and i walked to our cars, hugged one another, promised we'd be there for each other the whole time. 
i came home and took a short bath, and i went to bed.
i still can't believe he's gone.
i just want my husband back. =[




i already miss him so, so much.
on the drive home without him, his stupid "if i die young" song came on.
i tripped over his shoe when i got back.
the sound of a motorcycle breaks my heart.
his jammie pants that he took off are still in the hallway.
everything is still where it should be, but the biggest part is missing.
i havent been able to talk to him since he left. i have no idea where he is, or when i will hear from him next. 
i don't know what to do with myself, i just want to sleep, and sleep until November.
i know everyone says time flies, it gets easier. but all i want is him back in my arms. 
i was his silly laughs, his stupid jokes, his stinky feet after a work day.
i want our stupid fights, our late nights, his god damn video games with his stupid headset.
i want his arms around me as i cook dinner, or him turning my dog stupid. or him picking on me for my sponges.
i'd give anything to have him back here with me.


i love you Michael Patrick.
stay safe out there like you promised me, and come home as soon as you can.
i love you now more than ever before, i hope you feel the same way.
my heart is in two, because the other half is there with you.
forever, forever.


your wife and son.