battle of head and heart.

lately, i haven't been dealing very well with this Deployment.
i honestly want to delete and block my husband from my facebook so i don't have to read what others post on his wall.
so i don't have to sit there and stare at the computer screen when he's online, waiting for a response.
i honestly whole heartedly, would rather not talk to him until he gets back.
because every single time i do, i end up in tears.
and not because he's gone.
but because i never hear anything that i need to or should.
it feels like I'm talking to an old friend.
he tells me he's doing okay over there, we talk about the weather, he tells me what he needs, and i tell him when I'm shipping a care package.
when he first left, whenever he'd call or get online the first words i spoke or wrote were "i love you, i miss you"
if i don't do or say that. most of the conversation, it's not said.
there's very little showing he misses me, though i know that he does.
and there's only an "i love you" when he has to get offline.
and if his internet cuts out early, i don't get any of that.
today, he was online, and didn't say anything to me for a half an hour.
he never asks to Skype, whether it be internet issues, he forgot his earbuds, or what.
which doesn't bother me too much, he knows i hate Skyping anyway.
yesterday when he IMed me, he said "hey sup"
like I'm one of his buddies.
and i messaged him how i felt about the comments, how i felt on a few other things, and knowing he read it, the entire message went un noticed. none of the comments were deleted, he didn't bother bringing it up. he didn't bother trying to make me feel better.
it's been like this since the moment he left.

i don't really think it's anyones fault. i don't even think it means to be done.
everything changing between the two of us and i honestly don't think it's doing us a bit of good.
and that scares me because it's only been two and a half weeks.
i feel like i can't talk to him about anything. and if i do, they're brushed aside like they always are, like they're no big deal. he expects me to look at his page and read those things and just get over it and let it go.
i've been letting it go, for the past year and a half.
it should have been fixed then and it never was. and i understand this isn't the best time in life to br bringing this between us and upon myself, but for some reason, i just can't help it.
i'm sitting in silence listening to the battle between my head and my heart. and f course they're saying two different things.
it's my heart that's telling me to project myself, my head telling me maybe i should just get over it. mabe i should just let it go and do what's best for me, even if that means getting off facebook, blocking or deleting him, even if that's the only way him and i communicate.
i shouldn't have to feel like my feelings are always, and still, being pushed aside.
even if, some of the time, i'll admit, the way i feel is completely unreasonable and silly.
if someone posted something on my facebook publically that i knew he wouldn't find appropriate, he'd never see it. because it would be gone as soon as it came up. i'd NEVER let his feelings get hurt over something to stupid, small, and careless.
like he lets happen to me quite often.

after reading those comments from Chris and the one where Heather is telling him she misses him, with an overly insane amount of exclamation points, i never once asked him to tell Chris, not to post things like that on his wall, or put him in his place for calling me a herpes infested skank that goe knocked up by a Marine. yes, he should have said something to Chris about that, I'm his wife and childs mother, it's not right, at all.
but i didn't tell him any of that.
i didn't tell him to talk to Heather and explain to her, that maybe his wife wouldnt appreciate seeing "i miss you" comments from a girl he has a past with. though he should know by now that them talking bugs me, and the continue to do so.
i simply just asked him, to delete the comments because they didn't settle right me.
especially with Chris, whom has never posted anything until Mike leaves. and how i can not post anything without having Chris blocked so he can't see it because everything i do, he does as well, mocking me.
i have learned my lesson in getting into fights with my husband over his friends and what they say. i have long stopped asking him to put them in their place. i know he has no control over them and even if he did say something to them, it wouldn't matter. not one of them have even respect for Mike when they don't respect his wife.
i completely understand that.
there's really no point in getting upset or angry over things you can't control.
but, there comes a point where, the things you can control, aren't.
and that's what he's doing.
he's letting everything slide. it's kind of a slap in the face you know?
like he knows it bothers me and keeps them there anyway.
doesn't talk about it, or attempt to repair my feelings anyway.
i personally, think that's crap.
and i for one, have no idea how to even handle this anymore.

i have promised myself to not get too bent out of shape when it comes to his friends and family.
they will say what they want to say, honestly, i don't ever see it stopping.
but i won't let them hurt or bother me.
nor will i get angry with my husband for not confronting them about it. though he should regardless, i know he won't. but whether he does or doesn't, and he has from time to time, it hasn't lessened any, so why even stress him about it?
however. i will be putting my foot down and making changes and taking actions for the things he can control, and he doesn't have respect for me to change.
as terrible as that might sound.
i have to learn to be that change, to MAKE it change. to be respected in how i feel.
even though of course, especially by now, i shouldn't have to at all.
things have GOT to change. even during a Deployment. if that's what it takes.
the way i see it, if i let it all go, it will still put a damper on our Marriage and make things hard.
if i talk about it, that too, can make this a little more difficult.
it all sucks regardless, so why not strive for progress?