done, day two.

for the last two days i have decided that i am done with life.
i havent been sleeping, night time just doesn't happen anymore. and I'm constantly exhausted.
after getting about 3 hours of sleep the night before last, i woke up and had a facebook message from Mike. i had emailed him about 3 times, and i messaged him on there to tell him to delete those comments.
so i FINALLY hear from Mike.
I'm not the type to usually get upset from not hearing from him, I know he's safe. but the fact that i might go into labor ANY day now, and I'm terrified and he knows it, you'd think he'd try to email me every chance he gets.
my message
"i don't know whats going on with those comments, i havent logged on in awhile and now the connection is too slow to even see. oh, how are you "twooooozzzz", any contractions?"
that's all there was, after not hearing from him for 4 days.
no i miss you, no i love you, nothing.
CLEARLY, I've been extremely emotional.
everytime i talk to him i always tell him i love and miss him right off the bat.
i thought maybe he tried IMing me and it just didnt go through and his connection died? but still. really?
those comments REALLY mad me angry. and the way he talked to me, saying "you twozzz" was like he was talking to one of his homies, and i HATE that.
hi, I'm your wife. not one of the piece of shit guys you talk to.
anyway, i roll out of bed because i have a WIC appointment. and they tell me that i might no longer qualify because my husband is Deployed, he might make too much. are you effing kidding me?! i won't know until my next appointment, what the hell am i suppose to do about formula then?
on top of exhaustion i had just had enough and it was only 11 AM!
so i get home and i call my mom. she's always my go to person when things are wrong.
and i havent been watching our cell minutes. i never had to before because we had plenty but of course, when Mike wanted to change plans and switch phones and what have you, which he FAILED to do because he couldn't live without his precious internet on his phone for a few weeks, he cut them down to 750.
and with the shit i went through when his mom was here and me calling my own mom to vent before i went insane, i checked them and i believe i went a few over.
there's 6 days left in the billing cycle.
so, I'm out of fucking minutes. i wasn't listened to about them, nor was i listened to about switching to Verizon to solve this problem.
i can't talk to my mom until 9 o clock at night now.
nor, in all honesty, can i talk to my husband IF he ever decides to get hold of me.
if i go into labor, I'm screwed.

i just went back to bed after that.
i've already been irritated because of this baby, and the situation at hand, and the first person i planned to lean on, won't even be here for the birth like we had planned because she's going to have fun in LA, i can't decide if i just want to catch up on sleep, which clearly hasnt been happening, or go out and have fun without the difficulties of a baby. i've been invited out but people don't understand, i can't do it.
especially not with husbands.
as much as i appreciate everyones support, i NEED my husband. i'm really the only one f my friends right now that truely does, and I'm the only one that doesn't have him here. its hard enough. but i just can't be around couples right now. so i'd rather sit in my house by myself.

so, i slept most of the day and read almost an entire book. i watched a movie and forced to throwing up feeling down and made myself eat something.
finally by about 1 am, i could barely keep my eyes open.
so i went to sleep.
45 minutes later, i woke up.
then an hour and a half later i woke up again.
yeah, i've been up ever since.
i know this will be a habit once Ryder is here, but at least then i have a reason to be awake, and i know he will be worth it.
now, it's just so pointless. and I'm just, so UGH because i'm wondering when this labor process with start, he's completely out of room and chooses NOW to be active even more than ever. i feel like a terrible woman, let alone a mom because when i feel something "different" i just blow it off and have no idea what it is.
i don't know a damned thing about my body, or what to expect.
I'm trying to clean through the exhaustion, make sure i eat, take care of the dogs. i'm trying to remember my schedule and things i need to do, and bills. and everyone is already sending their husbands care packages and i havent thought about one whatsoever.
not to mention everytime my IM chat, or email goes off, i think it might be mike checking in with me and it's someone else, or some pointless email. i keep checking my facebook messages for NOTHING.

and then, the kicker.
i've been struggling with the right thing to do about my son when it comes to his mom.
my mom tells me, that when we get home and settled from the hospital, to send her a text message saying he was born, weighed this much, was this long, and he's healthy and home. and when she replies, or calls, to just ignore it. i don't have to deal with her, i don't have to give her updates. my ONLY job is to tell her he's in this world now, and to be his mom, and be Mikes wife.
not to call/txt her with updates on either one of them. not after all she's put me through.
well, I've COMPLETELY had it with everyone.
after deleting everyone from Mieks former life OFF my facebook, i guess they're still creeping on my blogs.
i won't make my blogs private anymore, that was too much of a hassle.
but these blogs are ALL i ahve to vent.
i can't go for a run like i use to, i cant sit back and have a cold one like i use to. i am going through SO much, i need a healthy way to get it all out.
and now, it's being passed around by his fucked up friends.
Chris, the one that posted those immature comments Mike has yet to delete, made a status about me, calling me a skank, and that it was sad that i got "knocked up" by a Marine.
this kid is like, 20 years old.
and this shit has been going on for  A YEAR AND A HALF.
nothings been said or done about it from Mike.
this has happened when i was his girlfriend, now his wife, now the mother of his son.
i highly doubt he will delete those comments, i highly doubt he will delete chris as a friend.
so, I'm about three seconds away from deleting and blocking my own husband from facebook because EVERY single fucking time he leaves, i get the short end of the stick and get to deal with bullshit drama.
i have a son now. i shouldnt have to deal with anything but waking up all night, feeding, changing, bathing, and raising him.
but of course, Mikes out there without a clue. and when he does get a clue, he blows it off as pointless.

this Deployment has really, really, opened my eyes to a lot of things.
and how very very little I am willing to tolerate. and what actions i need to take.
i shouldnt have to make my life better, it should already be fine.
i shouldnt have to worry about shit.
yea yea, blow it off, who cares what people think and say, especially people that don't matter.
but i shouldnt have to read shit,
that's the bottom line.
so NOW, i have to go and find everyone i just deleted and now proceed to BLOCK them so that i become invisible to them.
so they can't even see my profile picture, because they are completely dead to me so i want them knowing NOTHING. not a single one of them.
lord only knows what i can do about this blog.

I've had enough, over a year and a half of this shit.
when I'm married to that Marine that "knocked me up"
and I'm a mom now, with bigger things to worry and deal with.
i feel like I'm fighting this stupid losing battle, every god damn day.
i shouldnt have to fight for whats right, especially when it comes to my husband and his so called friends.
i hope he comes home and drops them all.
because honestly, if he doesnt, we're going to have A LOT of unwanted issues.
sometimes you're forced to make choices you never wanted to.. for the greater good of everyone.