claws come out.

this is about to be an extremely bitchy post.
it might be that i barely sleep, that i don't know where my husband is, the fact that i want to reach my hand in my vagina and rip my son out because he's hurting me so bad, or for the second day in a row i want to rip my husbands dogs vocal chords out because he won't stop barking at NOTHING.
regardless, there's things i need to address before i go insane.
i have a feeling i might lose some respect and friends today but personally, i dont give a shit anymore.

Please, stop asking about my baby.
i am so incredibly tired of getting IMS or what have you asking "he isn't here yet?"
no, i am still pregnant. and even if he was born last week, unless you're in that room with me, or my mom, you won't know until my husband knows.
he's in a country i know nothing of, i have no idea when i will talk to him again or how we will communicate.
but I'm sorry, you people are not important enough to know first thing after he's born over facebook, when my own husband does not.
stop saying you can't wait to see pictures. because chances are, you won't see much for a long long time.
if his own daddy can't watch him grow up, what makes you think I'll be posting pictures of everything Ryder does, for all the world to see? i won't be.
and I'm not sorry.
now is the time to be selfish and not one single person is important except my husband. i have enough respect for him to do the right thing.
unless we've been close and we've been there for each other for a long time, you really don't have a right to know much in my life. just because we may or may not have talked, or we're friends in the Facebook world, doesn't really entitle you to my life.

Stop telling me "oh i don't know how you do it" or "you chose this life"
it's pretty annoying. i KNOW you don't know, because you don't have the joy to love and be loved by my Michael.
i didn't choose anything at all when it comes to him.
i was blessed to fall in love with an incredible man, a man that chose to join the Marine Corps.
i would have loved him anyway had he backed out right before hand and worked somewhere else.
someone once told me, and i have taken it to heart, that saying "i love my Marine" is retarded. Marine is just a job title, would you walk around saying "i love my fry cook"? i didn't think so.
being a United States Marine is such an honor. I am proud of him every single day for what he does.
but even if he wasn't in the Marines, i'd be proud of him in other ways as well.
i fell in love with the man, not the uniform, not the job title.
and i for sure didn't choose to fall in love with him, i just did.
from day one he had talked to me about joining the military. a few days after we met we were standing in the Griffith Recruiters Office, switching from Navy to Marine Corps.
do you honestly, for one second, think i wouldn't stand there beside the man i was falling head over heels for?
just because he was going to be away for a little while?
do you honestly think for one second that i CHOSE for my husband to miss the birth of our child?
you're a fucking idiot if you tell me that.
not one person, ever really knows what they will get into when they fall in love with someone. we can only guess, but it's never ever accurate.
and even if we do know, even the least bit, would that make you stray from them?
that the possibility of them dying, would that make you run?
because if you would, i honestly feel sorry for you.
i know more people that have lost their significant others to car accidents, suicides, shootings, or illness, than they lose to war.
when you fall in love, you never know a damn thing, except that you love that person unconditionally.
Marine or not.

btw, my facebook chat is ALWAYS up, i'm waiting for my husband to get online. that's how we talked last time. it's not up for you to blow up my phone at all hours of the night with pointless drama and crap you feel the need to talk to me about.
i'm tired of getting IMs at 4 in the morning, hearing the noise, thinking it might be Mike, and it's no one important, asking pointless questions.
i can't sleep enough, doing this just puts me in a worse mood.
if it wasn't for Mike and i communicating via facebook, i'd more than likely delete it. I'm already over the people and the comments and here it is, only day 5 of this Deployment.
it's going to be a loooong road when it comes to people and if you don't fit the mold i need in my life right now, you're out.
i won't apologize for that because i need to do whats best for me. and constantly being agitated because of stupid comments doesnt help.

stop calling me strong.
it use to be a compliment but now it bugs the shit out of me.
I'm strong because i'm married to a Marine? i'm strong because i run the household when he's gone? i'm strong because I'm having a baby on my own?
no, i don't have a choice, that doesn't make me strong.
if you think i'm going to be defeated and lay down and just cry and bitch and moan until he's home, then you're wrong.
but being strong has nothing to do with it.
i'll stand beside my husband through thick and thin.
weak, or strong it doesn't matter.
it doesn't take strength to make me stand beside him.

i love my husband. from day one he has talked about joining the Military.
did it scare me then? no, i thought i was fearless.
did i know i'd be away from him often? yes i did.
never did i expect him to be gone for the birth of our first child.

unless you've loved someone in the Military, you wouldn't even come close to understanding.
unless you've been through a Deployment, you wouldn't get it either.
unless you've had a child while he was away, or dealt with him leaving, with children together, you couldn't come CLOSE to getting it.
we miss them, and we're lucky to have them to miss.
MOST wives didn't one day say "hey, i think I'm going to marry this Marine, just for the hell of it. i know what I'm getting into, and i know exactly how i'll feel when i get to a certain point"

I'm being pushed and pulled into so many different directions.
i would like to hear from Michael and know where he is.
i want to know that he's okay, that he's feeling alright, that he's holding up and it isn't so bad.
i'd kill to hear his voice, even for a minute or two, just to hear him say "i love you"
this is all just the beginning, it won't get easier, i'll just get more numb and begin to float on through.
but above all else, this wasn't a choice. it was fate to fall in love with Michael.
my love for him will never lessen, only grow stronger. and he will forever be the most amazing man i have ever met.
Marine or not.
i married him for his heart and soul, what lies behind those gorgeous blue eyes, his sense of humor, and i could see myself with him until our dying days.
that hasn't changed since day one.

i didn't choose this life. i didn't choose the man i fell in love with. i didn't choose any of this, i wasn't BORN for any of this. but i do it anyway.
bad days, strong days, can't get out of bed, or on the go days.
i just do it anyway. <3