lost respect

Dear Deployment.
i have now lost all respect for you and this unit.
and i dont really care how much of a bitch i sound.
youre sending a husband home to his wife and 5 month old because she had gallbladder surgery, and i had surgery and a newborn and NO fucking help and you just sit by and watch me struggle? I go to the FRO and tell her im having difficulties adjusting and im told to talk to the chaplain? I have NO ONE here. And nothing. She has a family member close by. You sit and say "oh no, they cant hold him back, sorry. But im here if you need me." Are you freaking kidding me?!
I had a fucking c section. I had to drive myself to and fucking from the hospital with a son my husband hasnt even met yet. Really, really?!?
im fucking livid.
sure i always knew i was tougher than everyone else and can handle more than some whiny little bitch ,but really? You are fucking good for nothing piece of shit Deployment. This situation is NO different. Because hes a higher rank, does he get to come home?! My husbands sitting playing fucking XBOX in Afghanistan while his wife sturggles and you let her.
i knew i couldnt rely on you, have faith in you.
FUCK YOU.

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cant sleep.

no, i just can't.
i miss Mike more than i care to admit.
my heart is getting too caught up in everything.
it's been, a good two weeks, of nothing, no drama on his end, no talking to people he isn't suppose to, telling me the things i need to hear, calling me more often to make sure I'm okay.
is it too good to be true?
no, i don't think so. but then why do i still have this, wall up?
we have, just a little bit more than halfway left to go.
i'm thinking the last half will go by even faster.
my mommy and daddy come out here and meet Ryder!
planning comes into play, for signs, outfits, homecoming itself, EEP, and post deployment leave.
and  then we turn around and BAM, it's time for the ball. and two weeks after that i want to rent a cabin at Big Bear the first weekend of December, and spend time together up there in the SNOW, just the three of us.
then, we have to start decorating for christmas and getting and wrapping Ryders presents. even more EEP!
our babies first Christmas, ours as a FAMILY. and him not being in my little belly anymore!
i can just imagine Daddy carrying him down the stairs after Santa comes, yes, i will be making out with Santa that night, lol.
it's all just going to be so incredibly perfect.
just the two of us, that's it. no one else.
and then finally, around Ryders first birthday, we can travel to Indiana. because I'd like to have his first birthday party there, and both sides of the family can come and see him.

once again, i am excited for what life has in store for us. he BETTER not slip up again.
but something tells me that he won't.
god damn Deployment and you emotional cycles. can we just stop now?! PLEASE?!

but right now, i'm going to force myself to go to sleep.
tonights the last night Ryder will be in my bed. :(
the week of his 2 month birthday, i have to start getting him on a schedule with everything, and it's so sad.
even if he's going to be three feet away from me in his pack n play, and we will still probably snuggle in the mornings. it's just gah! i like him in my bed. it's a king, and i'm teeny, it's too big without the other half here.
::sighs:
anyway, goodnight world.

Michael Patrick, I'm missing you terribly tonight.
Stay Safe okay?

Dear Deployment, No More.

Dear Deployment,
i am n longer going to let you kick my ass.
or throw me into horomonal downward spirals.
i will no longer get angry with my husband because he is finally getting it all right.
i will no longer let the little things bug me
and i will be thankful for having him in my life.
though i know i will lose sleep, i will let that be because of my tiny growing bay an not being sad that he is gone
instead, just be happy that i have him to miss and begin planning homecoming.
DEAR DEPLOYMENT,
i am no longer your bitch.
oh no, now, now you're MY bitch. my little dirty rotten hoe.
and you will go MY way, or get the fuck outta my city.
got it?
k, thank you

Love,
a Marine Wife.

stop it.

todays one pissy day.
and i couldn't care less about anyone else.
while my kid fights his god damn sleep and i get at most, 2 hours a night, and i'm doing this ON MY OWN.
and you complain to be about missing your husband, shut the fiuck up.
i couldn't give two shits that you can't decide between five guys to date, the fact that you come to me EVERY single day to talk about each one of them is beyond me. I'm married, i don't have issues on which one to choose. most days, i don't even want the one i have. joys of marriage right? why do you think i can honestly help you? choose oe, if you can't decide, stop sticking with the one you're with now.
i don't really care what the latest guy has said, while i don't ever talk to my own husband.
you should feel so fucking lucky.
I'm sick of being the friend everyone runs to for advice, while i'm struggling to keep my own head above the water. and no one respects ME for it. no one sees anything i go through, they're too fucking worried about their own issues. deal with it all yourself, i do!
i'm sick of seeing "i got phone calls!" and you complaining to me how much you miss your husband. even if they're in the same unit, get over it. you feel like we're in the same boat? yeah, we're not. not even fucking close.
if you complain, complain. sure you have that right.
but who gives you the right to complain to ME about it? when you have it sooo much easier. all you have to deal with is him being gone. good job. don't wanna hear it, thanks.
see, the way i see it, not many people have gone through what i have. sure, having babies without husbands, that's no big deal. but doing it completely alone? yeah, no thanks.
don't sit here and try to fucking tell me to be strong, i'm DONE being fucking strong. maybe that died when i stopped sleeping maybe?? and the next person that says "oh, he will be back before you know it!" is getting a nice little bullet through their brain.
shut the FUCK up, seriously.
i am beyond annoyed with everything and everyone.
if i say don't contact me, you'd think i'd be having a bad day, so respect it.
like i said, there's no nice words for anyone today.
don't like it? too bad.
walk in my shoes, good fucking luck.

Deployment Check List.

ah; what my life consists of before my sweet husband comes home.

Months;
April.
May.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.

Care Packages;
First. Sent. "The Things He Forgot." lol.
Second. Sent. "Congratulations Daddy."
Third. Sent. "One Year Wedding Anniversary."
Fourth. Sent. "Happy First Daddy's Day."
Fifth. Finished, Not Sent. "Happy 24th Birthday."
Sixth. Almost Finished, Not Sent. "Nom, Nom, Nom."
Seventh. Started."Been Together Two Whole Years."


Homecoming;
Ryders Sign.
My Sign.
Our Family Sign.
House Sign.
Decorate Car.
Decorate House.
Ryders outfit.
My outfit.

Projects;
flag photos in frames.
Ryders monthly boards;
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
post-it countdown.
Ryders room. :)
Donut of Misery.




Will be adding more and more as the months pass.

Thank You.

dEAR dEPLOYMENT,
thank you for everything you have already done, in almost two months.
for making me re evaluate my marriage, going back to the very beginning and living through it all over again. and making me realize so much more about my husband and i that i never imagined to would begin to understand. before you came along and slapped us in the face, i was thinking about leaving the one man that i have ever truely loved, and that has loved me back the same. despite our fighting and our sleepless nights, second guessing and stupid doubts, you roved to me that no matter what, we can make it through this life together. that we are a team. that from the very beginning we knew we'd make it. that nothing could tear us apart. many, many, many things and people have tried to get in between us and we have never let them do so. and most of all, we didn't allow ourselves to tear us apart either.
thank you, for making me love him even more.

thank you for allowing me to be so strong and be the best mommy that i can be. things are far from easy, easy won't ever happen in this situation. but i can honestly say, I'm doing far better than most in my situation. i have healed well from the Cesarean Section and i am back to my original pre pregnancy size. my son is healthy and right on track with everything, he's long and skinny. he's healthy and he's usually happy. he's beginning to get such an amazing personality. he's a little lover, but has a great set of lungs. lol. he's honestly the love of my life. he changed my entire world and my entire view on so many things the first moment that i held him. i never thought the feelings i have felt with him ever existed. i don't know what i would do without him now. i just can't wait for us to become a family, finally.

thank you for placing such amazing friends in my life. if it hadn't been for you i might now have gotten so close to Amber, and in turn, gotten close with Brydan and Travis as well. i wouldn't have had anyone with me during my most difficult time, and i wouldnt have a full family here. thank you for allowing Monique and i to stay close and get together and make care packages. it really makes me miss the guys even more, and who they use to be together. and all our old memories. i couldn't ask for more amazing friends. i finally know what it's like to have people have my back, never let me down, and always be there when i need a shoulder to lean on.

thank you for allowing me to go back and drown myself in memories as i have done almost every night for the past week, and think of my husband even more than usual. thank you for making me cry, to laugh, and break completely down. thank you for allowing me to rip a god damn post it note off my door every night and count down another month when it goes by.

most days, i hate you. i want my husband home.
but nights like these, when something amazing happens, i couldn't be happier that all this happened.
every tear, every heart ache, every bad day.
it's worth it.

Stay Safe Support! <3

True Thoughts.

this week, was a tough week.
but in the end, my husband showed me, that things will be alright.
he always tends to do that, just when I'm about to give up. he says something amazing, or does something amazing, to keep me believin'
he shows me, that i really have nothing to fear.
every single time in this Deployment that i was worried about something, he's made it better from half a world away. and it shows me how much he loves me, how much he is willing to lie down for me and our little family. he's showing me, so, so, so incredibly much out there.

i realized something the other night.
when everything was making me miss him.
that i have no always liked my husband. he hasn't always been the best person to be around.
we've had our share of fights and our sleepless nights, our ups and downs.
but, we always come right back to being perfect again.

i will never forget pre deployment. and how ready i was to leave here and never come back, even if that meant, never seeing him again. i had enough of the fighting, the hurt, everything. i was a constant roller coaster of emotions, with him being a dick, coming close to having a baby on my own, and adjusting to this new life. i wanted to give up, pack up, and run and hide in a little yellow house in Hobart Indiana. how, after the week his mom and sister were here, i was sure that we wouldn't make it.
but the night, right before they left, there was something there. something had hit him and made him realize. "shit, i could really lose her"
how he was so kind when i crawled into bed from getting home from the hospital. how he just laid there and held me, and helped me shower. and him coming home from the airport with starbucks, me giving him the cold shoulder and leaving for some time to myself and me coming home to a re arranged living room, just like i asked.
and a few nights before he left him choosing to stay home with me and watch operation repo all night instead of going out to the bar with the unit because he knew he had messed up and wasted time out with Parsons.

the one memory that sticks in my mind, the last moment before he left for Deployment, still slaps me in the face. i remember the smells, the sounds, the feeling. and that look on his face. while we were walking to the truck to get warm and we hear an upper yell that the buses were coming.
him, with a bag of chips in his hand, his rifle in the other, our faces just fell. my heart started racing as we hurried to that final formation. and once they said to fall out, him being first in line for the bus. me pushing through the crowd for one last hug and kiss, and another promise to be safe. and him, lifting up my hoodie, in front of everyone, to kneel down, and give his son that final kiss. the son he won't meet, until he's 7 months old.
him sitting behind Colbert, me standing next to Mils, and Mike making dilapidated heart shapes with his hand. with a final blown kiss, he was gone. just like that.

and that's when i knew, we'd always come back to each other.

no matter how much we fight. no matter how many times i say i've had enough, that things won't change. that we can never be the family i've always dreamt of. i know now, that's a lie.
and no matter where we are in the world, what we fight about, how many times i walk away.
i know nothing can honestly keep us apart, ever.
we will always, come back to being us, always.
thats what gets me through this.

i love you baby. <3