True Thoughts.

this week, was a tough week.
but in the end, my husband showed me, that things will be alright.
he always tends to do that, just when I'm about to give up. he says something amazing, or does something amazing, to keep me believin'
he shows me, that i really have nothing to fear.
every single time in this Deployment that i was worried about something, he's made it better from half a world away. and it shows me how much he loves me, how much he is willing to lie down for me and our little family. he's showing me, so, so, so incredibly much out there.

i realized something the other night.
when everything was making me miss him.
that i have no always liked my husband. he hasn't always been the best person to be around.
we've had our share of fights and our sleepless nights, our ups and downs.
but, we always come right back to being perfect again.

i will never forget pre deployment. and how ready i was to leave here and never come back, even if that meant, never seeing him again. i had enough of the fighting, the hurt, everything. i was a constant roller coaster of emotions, with him being a dick, coming close to having a baby on my own, and adjusting to this new life. i wanted to give up, pack up, and run and hide in a little yellow house in Hobart Indiana. how, after the week his mom and sister were here, i was sure that we wouldn't make it.
but the night, right before they left, there was something there. something had hit him and made him realize. "shit, i could really lose her"
how he was so kind when i crawled into bed from getting home from the hospital. how he just laid there and held me, and helped me shower. and him coming home from the airport with starbucks, me giving him the cold shoulder and leaving for some time to myself and me coming home to a re arranged living room, just like i asked.
and a few nights before he left him choosing to stay home with me and watch operation repo all night instead of going out to the bar with the unit because he knew he had messed up and wasted time out with Parsons.

the one memory that sticks in my mind, the last moment before he left for Deployment, still slaps me in the face. i remember the smells, the sounds, the feeling. and that look on his face. while we were walking to the truck to get warm and we hear an upper yell that the buses were coming.
him, with a bag of chips in his hand, his rifle in the other, our faces just fell. my heart started racing as we hurried to that final formation. and once they said to fall out, him being first in line for the bus. me pushing through the crowd for one last hug and kiss, and another promise to be safe. and him, lifting up my hoodie, in front of everyone, to kneel down, and give his son that final kiss. the son he won't meet, until he's 7 months old.
him sitting behind Colbert, me standing next to Mils, and Mike making dilapidated heart shapes with his hand. with a final blown kiss, he was gone. just like that.

and that's when i knew, we'd always come back to each other.

no matter how much we fight. no matter how many times i say i've had enough, that things won't change. that we can never be the family i've always dreamt of. i know now, that's a lie.
and no matter where we are in the world, what we fight about, how many times i walk away.
i know nothing can honestly keep us apart, ever.
we will always, come back to being us, always.
thats what gets me through this.

i love you baby. <3