In Honor.

On Ryders due date, Michael emailed me to tell me that he had flown a flag that morning, in honor of our son.he wasn't sure what day Ryder would actually get here, but he wanted to do something for him half a world away. i teared up when he wrote that to me.

Today i was looking on the CLB-7 Facebook page and i saw these two pictures. they are honestly the sweetest thing i have ever seen, and i just lost it. all emotion. i miss him so much.

Daddy couldn't be there for Ryders birth, or first day home, first bath, or any other firsts for 7 months.
But in Afghanistan, a flag was flown for our son, Michael Ryder Nelson Junior.
near or far, he's got my heart. <3

Afghanistan, April 20, 2011.

the things he couldn't say.

for the past almost 2 years that i have known my Husband, he has never really opened up to be about anything.
i know it was the way he was raised. i always thought he had no heart.
today in a Facebook IM, i got what i have been looking for.

when he emailed me he told me
"damn i was really hoping you were either having or had him today i flew the flag today in his honor wether or not he was born. theyll have pics of me doing it. Im getting so nervous anxious impatient etc my body is shaking. i barely ate any chow cuz i thought for sure it was happing tonight now im even more of all of them. i love you and miss lots and lots cant wait to see your face and feel both of your warmths in my hands and against my chest."

and when he got onto Facebook, these were some of his comments.
"i was hoping to sign on and see a picture or something in my email or hey im in the hospital. ya im scared for you, i can see and imagine of you giving birth and holding him all worn out, etc everything clearly, and i get an image of a plane window in front of me the whole time and cant reach out to touch. thats how i feel right now."

"ya me too, except being way away makes me feel this way because no matter what happens, i cant do anything but wait on message for it to be good bad horrible who knows what kinda of news i kept forgetting what i was doing today, i even left the chowhall without a cover and had to run back."

"i was playing cpl ds guitar to chill out didnt work so i just listen to our songs and im waiting to write it out on paper when the package comes. ima write you a story and may change it into a song and stuff idk"

"ya dont remind me cuz just adds to the freaking not being able to do anything for you anymore.. except hope for the best. i wish i woulda broke something now" [meaning his hand or something before he left.]

i guess. deep inside of him, there IS a heart, and feelings and emotions.
though it felt weird reading all this because i have been angry with him lately.
at least i know he actually cares, it meant alot to me.

though i'm sure he wouldn't be too happy with me sharing his "man feelings" on my blog. it was too cute NOT to post.

stay safe, wherever you are. <3

battle of head and heart.

lately, i haven't been dealing very well with this Deployment.
i honestly want to delete and block my husband from my facebook so i don't have to read what others post on his wall.
so i don't have to sit there and stare at the computer screen when he's online, waiting for a response.
i honestly whole heartedly, would rather not talk to him until he gets back.
because every single time i do, i end up in tears.
and not because he's gone.
but because i never hear anything that i need to or should.
it feels like I'm talking to an old friend.
he tells me he's doing okay over there, we talk about the weather, he tells me what he needs, and i tell him when I'm shipping a care package.
when he first left, whenever he'd call or get online the first words i spoke or wrote were "i love you, i miss you"
if i don't do or say that. most of the conversation, it's not said.
there's very little showing he misses me, though i know that he does.
and there's only an "i love you" when he has to get offline.
and if his internet cuts out early, i don't get any of that.
today, he was online, and didn't say anything to me for a half an hour.
he never asks to Skype, whether it be internet issues, he forgot his earbuds, or what.
which doesn't bother me too much, he knows i hate Skyping anyway.
yesterday when he IMed me, he said "hey sup"
like I'm one of his buddies.
and i messaged him how i felt about the comments, how i felt on a few other things, and knowing he read it, the entire message went un noticed. none of the comments were deleted, he didn't bother bringing it up. he didn't bother trying to make me feel better.
it's been like this since the moment he left.

i don't really think it's anyones fault. i don't even think it means to be done.
everything changing between the two of us and i honestly don't think it's doing us a bit of good.
and that scares me because it's only been two and a half weeks.
i feel like i can't talk to him about anything. and if i do, they're brushed aside like they always are, like they're no big deal. he expects me to look at his page and read those things and just get over it and let it go.
i've been letting it go, for the past year and a half.
it should have been fixed then and it never was. and i understand this isn't the best time in life to br bringing this between us and upon myself, but for some reason, i just can't help it.
i'm sitting in silence listening to the battle between my head and my heart. and f course they're saying two different things.
it's my heart that's telling me to project myself, my head telling me maybe i should just get over it. mabe i should just let it go and do what's best for me, even if that means getting off facebook, blocking or deleting him, even if that's the only way him and i communicate.
i shouldn't have to feel like my feelings are always, and still, being pushed aside.
even if, some of the time, i'll admit, the way i feel is completely unreasonable and silly.
if someone posted something on my facebook publically that i knew he wouldn't find appropriate, he'd never see it. because it would be gone as soon as it came up. i'd NEVER let his feelings get hurt over something to stupid, small, and careless.
like he lets happen to me quite often.

after reading those comments from Chris and the one where Heather is telling him she misses him, with an overly insane amount of exclamation points, i never once asked him to tell Chris, not to post things like that on his wall, or put him in his place for calling me a herpes infested skank that goe knocked up by a Marine. yes, he should have said something to Chris about that, I'm his wife and childs mother, it's not right, at all.
but i didn't tell him any of that.
i didn't tell him to talk to Heather and explain to her, that maybe his wife wouldnt appreciate seeing "i miss you" comments from a girl he has a past with. though he should know by now that them talking bugs me, and the continue to do so.
i simply just asked him, to delete the comments because they didn't settle right me.
especially with Chris, whom has never posted anything until Mike leaves. and how i can not post anything without having Chris blocked so he can't see it because everything i do, he does as well, mocking me.
i have learned my lesson in getting into fights with my husband over his friends and what they say. i have long stopped asking him to put them in their place. i know he has no control over them and even if he did say something to them, it wouldn't matter. not one of them have even respect for Mike when they don't respect his wife.
i completely understand that.
there's really no point in getting upset or angry over things you can't control.
but, there comes a point where, the things you can control, aren't.
and that's what he's doing.
he's letting everything slide. it's kind of a slap in the face you know?
like he knows it bothers me and keeps them there anyway.
doesn't talk about it, or attempt to repair my feelings anyway.
i personally, think that's crap.
and i for one, have no idea how to even handle this anymore.

i have promised myself to not get too bent out of shape when it comes to his friends and family.
they will say what they want to say, honestly, i don't ever see it stopping.
but i won't let them hurt or bother me.
nor will i get angry with my husband for not confronting them about it. though he should regardless, i know he won't. but whether he does or doesn't, and he has from time to time, it hasn't lessened any, so why even stress him about it?
however. i will be putting my foot down and making changes and taking actions for the things he can control, and he doesn't have respect for me to change.
as terrible as that might sound.
i have to learn to be that change, to MAKE it change. to be respected in how i feel.
even though of course, especially by now, i shouldn't have to at all.
things have GOT to change. even during a Deployment. if that's what it takes.
the way i see it, if i let it all go, it will still put a damper on our Marriage and make things hard.
if i talk about it, that too, can make this a little more difficult.
it all sucks regardless, so why not strive for progress?

Reason, Season, or Life.

i remember when i use to write a lot more than i do now.
and the theory i lived by when it came to people, was that there are three possibilities on why they are there.
some people come into your life for a reason.
some people only stay for a season.
and some people come and stay for the rest of your life.

Michael, is all three of those to me.
we all have a season, it's true. that one season we fell in love. for us, it was Summer.
a summer unlike any other, even if it was almost over.
that summer we fell in love.
when things were easy and we stayed out all night without a care in the world.
but he also came int my life for a reason.
he's taught me, so incredibly much.
he still is actually, being so far away.
some of these lessons were good, like finding my self worth and building up who i was suppose to be.
and some of them are bad, such as, not to let people walk all over me, including my husband with his friends.
but the reason of building me back up, was always his main goal.
i can honestly say he has shaped me and helped me grow into who i have become today.
that strong person everyone sees. the one who you don't understand can do it. that little hero inside a tiny girl.
he was behind a lot of that.

When i first met Michael, i had no idea who i was. i had lost myself the year before to an abusive, terrible, cheating relationship.
where being slapped in the face was easier to handle than being cheated on once more.
one day i plan to write the story of Fighting Billys Monster, the story i have been trying to write, for a really long time. and get somewhere in the middle and lose everything i ever felt. the strength i gained, i lose all control and i am once again lost in that place.
the closest one to knowing all that happened, is Michael.
and even he doesn't want all the details.
but one day, when i find my strength, when i stare at my son and think "look how far I've come"
i know that i will write my story.

Michael is my reason for letting myself go, knowing all my secrets, int hat season known as summer, where he stayed beside me, listening to every word i said, breathed in every single breath... and loved me for all the scars i had been given.

i will never forget my husband, for a lot of things. he's messed up more than a few times, and he hasn't always regained the trust. i still have my doubts, i still worry and stress and pick fights because i can't let go of some of the things he put me through.it's taken some time but it's getting better.

but with Michael saving my life that hot summer day, pulling up on that motorcycle, shaking my mothers hand and shoving a helmet on my head.
if it wasn't for the way he placed my hands on his waist and told me to hold onto him, and not to let go.
had it not been for that 3 hour conversation at Taco Bell on Willowcreek and 6 in Portage, IN talking about everything, and nothing.
if he would hae saw me through a different light than he did.
a perfect light, not the broken light that i was.
there wouldn't be a me.
it's all because of my Michael, that gave me the strength, to finally be free.

done, day two.

for the last two days i have decided that i am done with life.
i havent been sleeping, night time just doesn't happen anymore. and I'm constantly exhausted.
after getting about 3 hours of sleep the night before last, i woke up and had a facebook message from Mike. i had emailed him about 3 times, and i messaged him on there to tell him to delete those comments.
so i FINALLY hear from Mike.
I'm not the type to usually get upset from not hearing from him, I know he's safe. but the fact that i might go into labor ANY day now, and I'm terrified and he knows it, you'd think he'd try to email me every chance he gets.
my message
"i don't know whats going on with those comments, i havent logged on in awhile and now the connection is too slow to even see. oh, how are you "twooooozzzz", any contractions?"
that's all there was, after not hearing from him for 4 days.
no i miss you, no i love you, nothing.
CLEARLY, I've been extremely emotional.
everytime i talk to him i always tell him i love and miss him right off the bat.
i thought maybe he tried IMing me and it just didnt go through and his connection died? but still. really?
those comments REALLY mad me angry. and the way he talked to me, saying "you twozzz" was like he was talking to one of his homies, and i HATE that.
hi, I'm your wife. not one of the piece of shit guys you talk to.
anyway, i roll out of bed because i have a WIC appointment. and they tell me that i might no longer qualify because my husband is Deployed, he might make too much. are you effing kidding me?! i won't know until my next appointment, what the hell am i suppose to do about formula then?
on top of exhaustion i had just had enough and it was only 11 AM!
so i get home and i call my mom. she's always my go to person when things are wrong.
and i havent been watching our cell minutes. i never had to before because we had plenty but of course, when Mike wanted to change plans and switch phones and what have you, which he FAILED to do because he couldn't live without his precious internet on his phone for a few weeks, he cut them down to 750.
and with the shit i went through when his mom was here and me calling my own mom to vent before i went insane, i checked them and i believe i went a few over.
there's 6 days left in the billing cycle.
so, I'm out of fucking minutes. i wasn't listened to about them, nor was i listened to about switching to Verizon to solve this problem.
i can't talk to my mom until 9 o clock at night now.
nor, in all honesty, can i talk to my husband IF he ever decides to get hold of me.
if i go into labor, I'm screwed.

i just went back to bed after that.
i've already been irritated because of this baby, and the situation at hand, and the first person i planned to lean on, won't even be here for the birth like we had planned because she's going to have fun in LA, i can't decide if i just want to catch up on sleep, which clearly hasnt been happening, or go out and have fun without the difficulties of a baby. i've been invited out but people don't understand, i can't do it.
especially not with husbands.
as much as i appreciate everyones support, i NEED my husband. i'm really the only one f my friends right now that truely does, and I'm the only one that doesn't have him here. its hard enough. but i just can't be around couples right now. so i'd rather sit in my house by myself.

so, i slept most of the day and read almost an entire book. i watched a movie and forced to throwing up feeling down and made myself eat something.
finally by about 1 am, i could barely keep my eyes open.
so i went to sleep.
45 minutes later, i woke up.
then an hour and a half later i woke up again.
yeah, i've been up ever since.
i know this will be a habit once Ryder is here, but at least then i have a reason to be awake, and i know he will be worth it.
now, it's just so pointless. and I'm just, so UGH because i'm wondering when this labor process with start, he's completely out of room and chooses NOW to be active even more than ever. i feel like a terrible woman, let alone a mom because when i feel something "different" i just blow it off and have no idea what it is.
i don't know a damned thing about my body, or what to expect.
I'm trying to clean through the exhaustion, make sure i eat, take care of the dogs. i'm trying to remember my schedule and things i need to do, and bills. and everyone is already sending their husbands care packages and i havent thought about one whatsoever.
not to mention everytime my IM chat, or email goes off, i think it might be mike checking in with me and it's someone else, or some pointless email. i keep checking my facebook messages for NOTHING.

and then, the kicker.
i've been struggling with the right thing to do about my son when it comes to his mom.
my mom tells me, that when we get home and settled from the hospital, to send her a text message saying he was born, weighed this much, was this long, and he's healthy and home. and when she replies, or calls, to just ignore it. i don't have to deal with her, i don't have to give her updates. my ONLY job is to tell her he's in this world now, and to be his mom, and be Mikes wife.
not to call/txt her with updates on either one of them. not after all she's put me through.
well, I've COMPLETELY had it with everyone.
after deleting everyone from Mieks former life OFF my facebook, i guess they're still creeping on my blogs.
i won't make my blogs private anymore, that was too much of a hassle.
but these blogs are ALL i ahve to vent.
i can't go for a run like i use to, i cant sit back and have a cold one like i use to. i am going through SO much, i need a healthy way to get it all out.
and now, it's being passed around by his fucked up friends.
Chris, the one that posted those immature comments Mike has yet to delete, made a status about me, calling me a skank, and that it was sad that i got "knocked up" by a Marine.
this kid is like, 20 years old.
and this shit has been going on for  A YEAR AND A HALF.
nothings been said or done about it from Mike.
this has happened when i was his girlfriend, now his wife, now the mother of his son.
i highly doubt he will delete those comments, i highly doubt he will delete chris as a friend.
so, I'm about three seconds away from deleting and blocking my own husband from facebook because EVERY single fucking time he leaves, i get the short end of the stick and get to deal with bullshit drama.
i have a son now. i shouldnt have to deal with anything but waking up all night, feeding, changing, bathing, and raising him.
but of course, Mikes out there without a clue. and when he does get a clue, he blows it off as pointless.

this Deployment has really, really, opened my eyes to a lot of things.
and how very very little I am willing to tolerate. and what actions i need to take.
i shouldnt have to make my life better, it should already be fine.
i shouldnt have to worry about shit.
yea yea, blow it off, who cares what people think and say, especially people that don't matter.
but i shouldnt have to read shit,
that's the bottom line.
so NOW, i have to go and find everyone i just deleted and now proceed to BLOCK them so that i become invisible to them.
so they can't even see my profile picture, because they are completely dead to me so i want them knowing NOTHING. not a single one of them.
lord only knows what i can do about this blog.

I've had enough, over a year and a half of this shit.
when I'm married to that Marine that "knocked me up"
and I'm a mom now, with bigger things to worry and deal with.
i feel like I'm fighting this stupid losing battle, every god damn day.
i shouldnt have to fight for whats right, especially when it comes to my husband and his so called friends.
i hope he comes home and drops them all.
because honestly, if he doesnt, we're going to have A LOT of unwanted issues.
sometimes you're forced to make choices you never wanted to.. for the greater good of everyone.

you'd think it'd stop.

after a year and a half of being with Michael, the people in his life STILL don't get it!
i know, i shouldn't let it bother me, but it really does.
i hate all the people in Mikes life, and i have good reason.
after being called a whore, a bitch, them trying to tear us apart during Boot Camp, them writing him letters telling him i was cheating on him, then telling me he was writing them saying he didn't want to be with me. and me almost not going to San Diego because after three months i was convinced he really DIDN'T want to be with me, but I'm glad i did because that wasn't the case.
after sharing EVERY special moment with at least one of them because they NEVER left Mikes house, and they never listened when he told them he wanted just alone time with me.
they'd walk in on everything, they'd unlock his door when it was locked, they'd be idiots and crawl into bed with us, never gave us privacy. nothing at all.
these are the people that tore us apart in March and gave him shit for being with me when he grandma passed away, lied to me about him cheating, created so much drama between us, trying to get me out of his life, and it didn't work, i ran after him anyway.
these are the people that wouldn't let him leave his own house to see me, so he literally had to sneak out the back door and sprint down the driveway.
these are the guys that continue to say that I'm using my husband just for a baby. that i forced him to get me pregnant. when Mike was the one telling them to screw themselves when they were telling him to go get me the Plan B pill, two weeks into our relationship. him telling them that if i was pregnant, he'd stand beside me and be a daddy. and after that he risked it anyway, and he told themt his, and its still my fault.
these are the people he refused to tell we were getting married, refused to invite them, convinced they would ruin our special day. but was more than happy to post it on facebook RIGHT after the ceremony.
these are the people that constantly let him down, and don't really care about him until he leaves.
and then they post things on his facebook mocking me, calling him names that i do, saying they love and miss him and he better be safe or they will cry their eyes out. telling him they want his address to send him porn and a fleshlight so he doesnt have to miss sex. telling him that they all need to get matching skate tattoos.
but yet they've barely talked in the last year.
i just like how they think they're his friends, when they do things to piss his wife off, mock her, and run their mouths, at the most difficult time in her life. so add to it?
i've ignored his moms friends request, and i kicked off the last of his guy friends from that group.
so now NO ONE will know when my son is born.
that's my final decision. everyone is out, officially.

My husband is almost 24 years old. he's turned himself into a family man. he's a daddy first, a husband, and a Marine. he's grown up. he knows who is and isn't important. and when he gets back everythings going to be different and they won't really be in our lives. they won't ever see his son until he's almost a year old, so i suppose it's okay. it just makes me livid, that people STILL don't get it.

but then again, who am i kidding?

i just need to focus on me, Ryder, and Michael. we're our own family now. <3


on a random note.
"don't you just wish you were me?"
"no, i'll let you keep being pregnant and married to mike."
"well, he is sex, according to his friends. and technically, if you were me, pregnant, you'd be a female."
"nope, i'd be the first man that had a baby and make millions."
"uhm, i think that guy was on oprah."
"i think that guy WAS Oprah!"

oh the mid day conversations from John LeClair. :P

standing my ground.

 i knew it would end up happening.
and today it did.
i was sitting on my laptop and i saw a friend request.
it was Mikes mom, again.
thats all i got. i didnt get a message, i havent gotten a test of a phone call, asking how i was holding up. not lik it would matter, that'd probably bug me anyway. but the fact that she just randomly tries to add me a few days after my husband leaves and a few weeks before my son is due, and doesn't bother TALKING to me, no thanks. i won't have to creepin my page just to see pictures and read updates on Mikes whereabouts.
i honestly wasnt sure if i should add her or not. but i chose not to.
i tried that before, back in boot camp. sure i was just a girlfriend but i updated them on every letter i got. i made sure they knew what was going on.
where did it lead me to?
nowhere.
i didn't get any respect, i didn't get a better relationship, it didn't make them appreciate me or understand our relationship more. it really did, nothing.
so why should i sit here and try to do all that again? so they can get all they want from me?
yes, i'm selfish.
i hold near and dear to my heart that i know where he is, how he's doing.
i will never forget the last few days together and i am so happy that i was the only one that got to see him off on that bus and will be the only one to see him home on the bus, well, minus Ryder of course. =]
she wasn't adding me for me, she was adding me for her own personal benefit of seeing Michael and Ryder. and it still irritates me that she called him "Michael Junior" rather than Ryder.
i just, i can't deal with his mom right now. i deal with too much and they don't understand it at all.
i just see it all not being worth it, again. i see it all falling apart, again.
why should they just waltz right in and get all the info that they want? how come they dont have to fight for it, and fight FOR him, like i've had to for the past year and a half because of them?
and like my mom said, if she wants updates, she shouldnt be trying to add my facebook. clearly, she has an issue with things i say, or how i feel, what have you. so why doesn't she email instead? and then i have my personal place where she doesn't creep?
but i just decided to ignore it.
i did message her though, saying that maybe one day i'd be ready to add her back. but right now isn't the time. that i had too much to deal with and i wasn't about to add something else to my plate.
i wasnt the only one who thought this either, that's the advice i got from almost everyone.
to just ignore her.

i honestly don't know how mike feels about it.
when i told him a few weeks ago that i wasnt going to be dealing with her, he seemed to understand.
i know that if he wants her to know something, he will get hold of her, as well as me.
i don't know, this whole situation confuses me, i don't really know the right answer, or what i really should do. i just know somewhere down the road it won't mean anything, it wont be worth it, and itll all blow up in my face again. it won't change anything if i do add her and she can see updates on her son and mine. not at all. so honestly, why even stress about it? why even bother at all?
i need to understand that she doesnt matter, the only things d people that do, are those that are ACTUALLY there for me, at all times. not just when they need me.

claws come out.

this is about to be an extremely bitchy post.
it might be that i barely sleep, that i don't know where my husband is, the fact that i want to reach my hand in my vagina and rip my son out because he's hurting me so bad, or for the second day in a row i want to rip my husbands dogs vocal chords out because he won't stop barking at NOTHING.
regardless, there's things i need to address before i go insane.
i have a feeling i might lose some respect and friends today but personally, i dont give a shit anymore.

Please, stop asking about my baby.
i am so incredibly tired of getting IMS or what have you asking "he isn't here yet?"
no, i am still pregnant. and even if he was born last week, unless you're in that room with me, or my mom, you won't know until my husband knows.
he's in a country i know nothing of, i have no idea when i will talk to him again or how we will communicate.
but I'm sorry, you people are not important enough to know first thing after he's born over facebook, when my own husband does not.
stop saying you can't wait to see pictures. because chances are, you won't see much for a long long time.
if his own daddy can't watch him grow up, what makes you think I'll be posting pictures of everything Ryder does, for all the world to see? i won't be.
and I'm not sorry.
now is the time to be selfish and not one single person is important except my husband. i have enough respect for him to do the right thing.
unless we've been close and we've been there for each other for a long time, you really don't have a right to know much in my life. just because we may or may not have talked, or we're friends in the Facebook world, doesn't really entitle you to my life.

Stop telling me "oh i don't know how you do it" or "you chose this life"
it's pretty annoying. i KNOW you don't know, because you don't have the joy to love and be loved by my Michael.
i didn't choose anything at all when it comes to him.
i was blessed to fall in love with an incredible man, a man that chose to join the Marine Corps.
i would have loved him anyway had he backed out right before hand and worked somewhere else.
someone once told me, and i have taken it to heart, that saying "i love my Marine" is retarded. Marine is just a job title, would you walk around saying "i love my fry cook"? i didn't think so.
being a United States Marine is such an honor. I am proud of him every single day for what he does.
but even if he wasn't in the Marines, i'd be proud of him in other ways as well.
i fell in love with the man, not the uniform, not the job title.
and i for sure didn't choose to fall in love with him, i just did.
from day one he had talked to me about joining the military. a few days after we met we were standing in the Griffith Recruiters Office, switching from Navy to Marine Corps.
do you honestly, for one second, think i wouldn't stand there beside the man i was falling head over heels for?
just because he was going to be away for a little while?
do you honestly think for one second that i CHOSE for my husband to miss the birth of our child?
you're a fucking idiot if you tell me that.
not one person, ever really knows what they will get into when they fall in love with someone. we can only guess, but it's never ever accurate.
and even if we do know, even the least bit, would that make you stray from them?
that the possibility of them dying, would that make you run?
because if you would, i honestly feel sorry for you.
i know more people that have lost their significant others to car accidents, suicides, shootings, or illness, than they lose to war.
when you fall in love, you never know a damn thing, except that you love that person unconditionally.
Marine or not.

btw, my facebook chat is ALWAYS up, i'm waiting for my husband to get online. that's how we talked last time. it's not up for you to blow up my phone at all hours of the night with pointless drama and crap you feel the need to talk to me about.
i'm tired of getting IMs at 4 in the morning, hearing the noise, thinking it might be Mike, and it's no one important, asking pointless questions.
i can't sleep enough, doing this just puts me in a worse mood.
if it wasn't for Mike and i communicating via facebook, i'd more than likely delete it. I'm already over the people and the comments and here it is, only day 5 of this Deployment.
it's going to be a loooong road when it comes to people and if you don't fit the mold i need in my life right now, you're out.
i won't apologize for that because i need to do whats best for me. and constantly being agitated because of stupid comments doesnt help.

stop calling me strong.
it use to be a compliment but now it bugs the shit out of me.
I'm strong because i'm married to a Marine? i'm strong because i run the household when he's gone? i'm strong because I'm having a baby on my own?
no, i don't have a choice, that doesn't make me strong.
if you think i'm going to be defeated and lay down and just cry and bitch and moan until he's home, then you're wrong.
but being strong has nothing to do with it.
i'll stand beside my husband through thick and thin.
weak, or strong it doesn't matter.
it doesn't take strength to make me stand beside him.

i love my husband. from day one he has talked about joining the Military.
did it scare me then? no, i thought i was fearless.
did i know i'd be away from him often? yes i did.
never did i expect him to be gone for the birth of our first child.

unless you've loved someone in the Military, you wouldn't even come close to understanding.
unless you've been through a Deployment, you wouldn't get it either.
unless you've had a child while he was away, or dealt with him leaving, with children together, you couldn't come CLOSE to getting it.
we miss them, and we're lucky to have them to miss.
MOST wives didn't one day say "hey, i think I'm going to marry this Marine, just for the hell of it. i know what I'm getting into, and i know exactly how i'll feel when i get to a certain point"

I'm being pushed and pulled into so many different directions.
i would like to hear from Michael and know where he is.
i want to know that he's okay, that he's feeling alright, that he's holding up and it isn't so bad.
i'd kill to hear his voice, even for a minute or two, just to hear him say "i love you"
this is all just the beginning, it won't get easier, i'll just get more numb and begin to float on through.
but above all else, this wasn't a choice. it was fate to fall in love with Michael.
my love for him will never lessen, only grow stronger. and he will forever be the most amazing man i have ever met.
Marine or not.
i married him for his heart and soul, what lies behind those gorgeous blue eyes, his sense of humor, and i could see myself with him until our dying days.
that hasn't changed since day one.

i didn't choose this life. i didn't choose the man i fell in love with. i didn't choose any of this, i wasn't BORN for any of this. but i do it anyway.
bad days, strong days, can't get out of bed, or on the go days.
i just do it anyway. <3

"Then" by Brad Paisley; Kimberly and Michael.

just not what i need.

please refrain from asking me "how I'm holding up."
i know everyone means well when they ask me this, but it's not okay with me.
it's not an everyday question you'd ask me if my husband was here.
and I'm trying to go on as normal as possible.
i can't tell myself, or trick myself, into thinking he's in the field.
this time it's different.
clearly, I'm not okay. i don't think i will be "okay" until he gets home.
even when Ryder gets here, something is still missing, and i will just float through the days.
i hate that my husband is gone, i hate that i don't really have an idea on where he is, that i can't call or text him if something happens. i hate the fact that doing things right now, being very pregnant, is difficult and he can't be here to help.
i don't need to hear that i am strong, it doesn't help.
strong or weak, i'd be doing it anyway. he's my husband and i love him. i don't have to be strong all the time to love him. i don't have to be strong to do this right now.
also, dont try to tell me you "kind of know what I'm going through" because half of you don't. the ones that do, you help me out a lot and i appreciate it.
but most that say it, don't have an effing idea. and i want to slap them, but I'm halfway across the country.
you try doing what i am doing, you wouldn't survive.
also, don't IM or text me with your random ass problems that have nothing to do with anything that i care about. i won't respond. yes i know my situation could be a ton worse, but my life is tougher than yours.
i don't need to play counselor because some guy doesn't want to be with you, you find yourself pregnant and then suddenly thats all i hear about, or that your hoping your ex comes back to you.
get over it.
yeah I'll blame my emotions on the pregnancy, yeah I'll blame it on Deployment.
reasons that actually make sense.
I'm not happy whatsoever that i will be delivering my husbands son without him. i don't care if I'm not the only one that's done it, i don't care that I'm "strong" and can do it, the point of it is, it will never be the same.
we're all trying to cope with lifes new changes, it's only day three and we're pushing ourselves too far.
I helped Monique pack and move into Lisettes, a new house, out of her and Steven's first home.
her and i and Lisette are trying to deal with living without the men that we have lived with everyday, seen, everyday, held, snuggled, and kissed everyday, for who knows how long. it's all so difficult.
and when they come home, it'll all change again. Monique will be moving, again. and trying to have a baby. Mike will come home to his son he's never met before.
while they're over there now, trying to settle into their next 7 months.
it all sucks, incredibly bad, even though obviously, A LOT of people go through the same thing.
i know i'm loved, i know i have people i can talk to, but i don't want to.
i just want to sleep right now.
i don't want to be asked how I'm holding up.
that reminds me of the pointless questions my husband asks me, that he isn't here to ask.
i will never forget when i asked him to bring home milk one day on his way home and he asked me "why? is the old milk bad?"
thats what i lived with. stupid, silly, pointless, obvious questions.
that's my husbands job, not yours.
i don't need to be strong, not here. I'll be strong for my husband and son.
where does strong get you? being strong doesnt change anything, it just makes the day a little easier.
weak or strong, you do the bare minimum just to survive and that's good enough. you survive.
i've slept, a lot. i've showered, i've gotten out of the house, i've made sure i ate and drank, i go back to sleep and i start all over again.
no strength involved, just me getting by.

no, I'm not alright.
I'm not holding up as well as i had hoped that i would.
but I'm alive.
i love my husband more than ever. i miss him more than i should right now. i need him more than he knows.
but that can't happen right now.

no, i won't give up. i won't ever give up on him. yes it blows, it's only day three and it's harder than i imagined.
but i can't pretend to be this macho human being anymore.
i am just Michaels wife, i am just Ryders mommy. and that's enough for me, more than that really isn't needed.


i love you baby, i miss you so much, i hate that we're apart.
but it doesn't matter how bad a day i have, how sad i get that you're not here, or how happy i am because i got to hear from you.
don't worry, we will be right here waiting for you when you get home.
we can't wait.
stay safe out there, come home to us, always. <3

stuck in limbo.

today; was just a little bit harder.
i stayed in bed most of the day, just laying there, missing him.
i think today was hard because i can't call his phone to hear his voice anymore, nor do i have much idea on where he currently is. it's like we're stuck in limbo.
not knowing when we will talk next, or how we will communicate.
i havent started my new routines yet, i know he hasn't either.
so we're kind of both just going minute by minute.
i didn't get to talk to him today though a lot of his crew got on Facebook to post, like idiots, where they were. i was hoping my husband would send me an email as well, but no such luck.
but that's okay. i got to hear his wonderful voice yesterday, i don't need to hear it every day, though i'd like to. but i miss his face even more.
things are so good between us, i don't need reassurance that he loves and misses me, i know for a fact that I'm all he's thinking about right now.
though we all know my husband, and a tumbleweed floats through his brain at all times, hehe.
it made me sad when we went to the Naval Hospital to get monitored though, and not being able to tell him right then and there. but i wouldnt want him to worry.
i just remember the last time i went and how sweet he was when i got home, even though i was still very angry with hims. i just wish i could have came home and snuggled with him.
instead, he's more than likely on some plane, or in some foreign airport, jet lagged and exhausted, wishing he was holding me too.
i just can't wait to get all the traveling over with.
my mopey little weekend.
and us to start all this for real.
his son currently has the hiccups, again. and i havent even seen him yet and i know he's so much like his daddy.
i actually cried a little in the bathtub last night, telling Ryder, to please come out, i needed a piece of daddy to hold.
I'm a strong person, but i never expected it to be this difficult only on day 2.
i suppose it's because i've been able to see him for the last 9 months, every single day almost, and fall asleep with him every night. and now he just isn't here.
and I'm realizing so much about him, our marriage, his love, it's bringing me to tears.
but i am doing all that  i can.
as soon as we get our schedules down, i know things will be fine,it's just getting there that happens to be tearing me apart. 
but, it's 0536, and Ryder and i are going to go to bed.
and sleep half the day away tomorrow too.
but on the bright side, we got to take off our second post it tonight.
that door is still full and it's not making me feel better right now! lol.
soon, soon. keeping my chin up.

but i am MORE than ready to talk to him.
my ringer is set to high AND vibrate.
i have Skype open when i sleep, just in case.
i have facebook chat and skype mobile on my phones, open at all times.
i jump when i hear my email ringtone.
and i have my facebook messages sent to text, so if he messages me then BAM, i get it automatically.
so whether I'm at home, in the hospital, at the commissary, or even pooping, i can talk to him when he gets on something.
oh, the joys of Deployment.=]

Day One.

yesterday was the hardest of my life thus far.
the night before, he went to bed and i stayed up late reading my Nook.
i couldn't get myself to fall asleep, knowing it was our last night.
i ended up falling asleep on his bare chest at 2 in the morning, leaving a trail of tears across his heart.
we lay in a sea of blankets and arms and legs. all tangled up into one another, one last time.
we slept in a little bit, or rather, laid there until the alarm went off and we started our day. we showered, he regretfully packed his things, we got santanas and went to the baby doctor. 
for the last time, he got to hear his sons heartbeat.
we did things around the house, then went to Yucca for last minute things, then to Applebees for dinner.
it was all happening so fast, hours slipping right through our fingers.
we finished packing his things, we watched American History X, since for some reason we were both dying to watch it. 
we took our last shower and he asked me to wash his hair like old times. that was sad. =/
he wanted to lay and cuddle, so we did until it was almost time to go, that's what hit me the most. laying there wrapped in his arms. i didnt want him to go.
but then, it was time.


we had to be at the shop at 0145 in the morning.
they were told it would be a fast goodbye, but they didn't leave until almost 0500. it was so, so hard. i was fine until the buses rolled in. that was when we all lost it, it started to sink in, our husbands were leaving.
we hugged and kissed goodbye before he got into formation. and right when they were done, they all hurried to line up at the bus. i wasnt sure if i was allowed to go to him, but i did anyway.
i held onto him, i told him that i loved him, and made him promise to come home to us. i tried not to get choked up but that was impossible.
he was the first one on the bus and i stood next to this window, that sucked, because you could barely see out.
but he was blowing me kisses and making heart shapes with his hands anyway.
i watched him, i whispered to him that it would be alright, even though i knew he couldnt here me.
he put his head back and closed his eyes, i wish i could have kissed those eyes. 
and then, they were gone.


i havent never felt my heart rip in half as it did last night. 
saying goodbye this time was by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
watching him kiss my belly, the last time he will see this belly, and come home to our 7 month old baby.
the last moment that things were going to be like they have been.
it killed me.
Monique, Lisette, and i walked to our cars, hugged one another, promised we'd be there for each other the whole time. 
i came home and took a short bath, and i went to bed.
i still can't believe he's gone.
i just want my husband back. =[




i already miss him so, so much.
on the drive home without him, his stupid "if i die young" song came on.
i tripped over his shoe when i got back.
the sound of a motorcycle breaks my heart.
his jammie pants that he took off are still in the hallway.
everything is still where it should be, but the biggest part is missing.
i havent been able to talk to him since he left. i have no idea where he is, or when i will hear from him next. 
i don't know what to do with myself, i just want to sleep, and sleep until November.
i know everyone says time flies, it gets easier. but all i want is him back in my arms. 
i was his silly laughs, his stupid jokes, his stinky feet after a work day.
i want our stupid fights, our late nights, his god damn video games with his stupid headset.
i want his arms around me as i cook dinner, or him turning my dog stupid. or him picking on me for my sponges.
i'd give anything to have him back here with me.


i love you Michael Patrick.
stay safe out there like you promised me, and come home as soon as you can.
i love you now more than ever before, i hope you feel the same way.
my heart is in two, because the other half is there with you.
forever, forever.


your wife and son.