Deployment Check List.

ah; what my life consists of before my sweet husband comes home.

Months;
April.
May.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.

Care Packages;
First. Sent. "The Things He Forgot." lol.
Second. Sent. "Congratulations Daddy."
Third. Sent. "One Year Wedding Anniversary."
Fourth. Sent. "Happy First Daddy's Day."
Fifth. Finished, Not Sent. "Happy 24th Birthday."
Sixth. Almost Finished, Not Sent. "Nom, Nom, Nom."
Seventh. Started."Been Together Two Whole Years."


Homecoming;
Ryders Sign.
My Sign.
Our Family Sign.
House Sign.
Decorate Car.
Decorate House.
Ryders outfit.
My outfit.

Projects;
flag photos in frames.
Ryders monthly boards;
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
post-it countdown.
Ryders room. :)
Donut of Misery.




Will be adding more and more as the months pass.

Thank You.

dEAR dEPLOYMENT,
thank you for everything you have already done, in almost two months.
for making me re evaluate my marriage, going back to the very beginning and living through it all over again. and making me realize so much more about my husband and i that i never imagined to would begin to understand. before you came along and slapped us in the face, i was thinking about leaving the one man that i have ever truely loved, and that has loved me back the same. despite our fighting and our sleepless nights, second guessing and stupid doubts, you roved to me that no matter what, we can make it through this life together. that we are a team. that from the very beginning we knew we'd make it. that nothing could tear us apart. many, many, many things and people have tried to get in between us and we have never let them do so. and most of all, we didn't allow ourselves to tear us apart either.
thank you, for making me love him even more.

thank you for allowing me to be so strong and be the best mommy that i can be. things are far from easy, easy won't ever happen in this situation. but i can honestly say, I'm doing far better than most in my situation. i have healed well from the Cesarean Section and i am back to my original pre pregnancy size. my son is healthy and right on track with everything, he's long and skinny. he's healthy and he's usually happy. he's beginning to get such an amazing personality. he's a little lover, but has a great set of lungs. lol. he's honestly the love of my life. he changed my entire world and my entire view on so many things the first moment that i held him. i never thought the feelings i have felt with him ever existed. i don't know what i would do without him now. i just can't wait for us to become a family, finally.

thank you for placing such amazing friends in my life. if it hadn't been for you i might now have gotten so close to Amber, and in turn, gotten close with Brydan and Travis as well. i wouldn't have had anyone with me during my most difficult time, and i wouldnt have a full family here. thank you for allowing Monique and i to stay close and get together and make care packages. it really makes me miss the guys even more, and who they use to be together. and all our old memories. i couldn't ask for more amazing friends. i finally know what it's like to have people have my back, never let me down, and always be there when i need a shoulder to lean on.

thank you for allowing me to go back and drown myself in memories as i have done almost every night for the past week, and think of my husband even more than usual. thank you for making me cry, to laugh, and break completely down. thank you for allowing me to rip a god damn post it note off my door every night and count down another month when it goes by.

most days, i hate you. i want my husband home.
but nights like these, when something amazing happens, i couldn't be happier that all this happened.
every tear, every heart ache, every bad day.
it's worth it.

Stay Safe Support! <3

True Thoughts.

this week, was a tough week.
but in the end, my husband showed me, that things will be alright.
he always tends to do that, just when I'm about to give up. he says something amazing, or does something amazing, to keep me believin'
he shows me, that i really have nothing to fear.
every single time in this Deployment that i was worried about something, he's made it better from half a world away. and it shows me how much he loves me, how much he is willing to lie down for me and our little family. he's showing me, so, so, so incredibly much out there.

i realized something the other night.
when everything was making me miss him.
that i have no always liked my husband. he hasn't always been the best person to be around.
we've had our share of fights and our sleepless nights, our ups and downs.
but, we always come right back to being perfect again.

i will never forget pre deployment. and how ready i was to leave here and never come back, even if that meant, never seeing him again. i had enough of the fighting, the hurt, everything. i was a constant roller coaster of emotions, with him being a dick, coming close to having a baby on my own, and adjusting to this new life. i wanted to give up, pack up, and run and hide in a little yellow house in Hobart Indiana. how, after the week his mom and sister were here, i was sure that we wouldn't make it.
but the night, right before they left, there was something there. something had hit him and made him realize. "shit, i could really lose her"
how he was so kind when i crawled into bed from getting home from the hospital. how he just laid there and held me, and helped me shower. and him coming home from the airport with starbucks, me giving him the cold shoulder and leaving for some time to myself and me coming home to a re arranged living room, just like i asked.
and a few nights before he left him choosing to stay home with me and watch operation repo all night instead of going out to the bar with the unit because he knew he had messed up and wasted time out with Parsons.

the one memory that sticks in my mind, the last moment before he left for Deployment, still slaps me in the face. i remember the smells, the sounds, the feeling. and that look on his face. while we were walking to the truck to get warm and we hear an upper yell that the buses were coming.
him, with a bag of chips in his hand, his rifle in the other, our faces just fell. my heart started racing as we hurried to that final formation. and once they said to fall out, him being first in line for the bus. me pushing through the crowd for one last hug and kiss, and another promise to be safe. and him, lifting up my hoodie, in front of everyone, to kneel down, and give his son that final kiss. the son he won't meet, until he's 7 months old.
him sitting behind Colbert, me standing next to Mils, and Mike making dilapidated heart shapes with his hand. with a final blown kiss, he was gone. just like that.

and that's when i knew, we'd always come back to each other.

no matter how much we fight. no matter how many times i say i've had enough, that things won't change. that we can never be the family i've always dreamt of. i know now, that's a lie.
and no matter where we are in the world, what we fight about, how many times i walk away.
i know nothing can honestly keep us apart, ever.
we will always, come back to being us, always.
thats what gets me through this.

i love you baby. <3

A Simple Kind Of Man.

All i can think about is him.
i can no longer hear the revv of a motorcycle. without thinking of the first time he picked me up, on our very first date. pulled up on that electric blue crotch rocket, pulled off his helmet, and shook my mommas hand.
the way, that day, heis fingers gently fastened the strap of the jet black helmet.
i swung my leg over the back of that bike and i held on tight.
for what i didn't know then, would be the ride of my life.
i still smile at the fact that he was too nervous to kiss me that day.
i can no longer listen to about half the songs i ever listened to, because of him.
the night we played "Epiphany" by Staind over and over on his Xbox and just laid in bed holding one another, on Sweetest Day 2009, after i got off work. where he surprised me with a visit, and made sure i was on dispatch and he went and built me a bear.
where i had my co worker spy on him and make sure he made a wish on the heart.
he did.
i bawled my eyes out that night, not knowing what was going to happen when he went away to Boot Camp.
as i laid my head on his chest i let the tears fall freely. when i looked at him, he too, was letting the tears fall.
neither one of us can hear the song the same.
i remember the night before i took him to the recruiters office before boot camp.
how we just clung to one another all night, not wanting the next morning to come.
how he completely ignored waking anyone up to say goodbye, as we went and got breakfast.
cheesy scrambler with bacon and white toast and coffee, cream and sugar for me, sugar for him, both stirred with a knife.
and off we wer.
i waited with him, until the van came to take them down to Indianapolis to the hotel.
i held onto him, with all that i could. knowing that it would be some of our last moments together for the next three months.
i cried the entire drive home, in johnny walker, the many, many memories in that old beat up pickup truck.
i couldnt eat or sleep the rest of the day, and was up all night. in his old room. just sitting, and staring.
what had i gotten myself into? loving a man that was about to become a United States Marine?
i remember those last moments, right after he swore in, and then it was time to go.
he was the last one on that bus. had he waited a few more seconds i swear i wouldn't have ever let him go.
but i watched that bus pull away and that was it.
driving back to the ghostly streets of him and me, ripped a whole into my soul and i began to see.
that no matter who he was, or who he became to be.
the only thing that ever really mattered, was that he was in love with me. <3


i love you, Michael Patrick Nelson.
my soul mate.
my best friend.
my knight on a shiny motorcycle.
my sexy Marine.
the love of my life.
the daddy to our beautiful son.
i loveloveLOVE you, i can't say it enough.
"i miss you so much my heart is oozing."
forever forever.
pinky promised and sealed with a kiss.
always.

yours, and mine.

Just One.

have you ever thought back and realized, if you had only done ONE single things differently,
that you wouldn't be where you are right now?

staring into my sons blue eyes earlier today, that is exactly what i realized.
i miss my husband more than i ever could have imagined.
and i began thinking about the first time we met, our first kiss, our first night together, skate park days and doty nights. how wreckless we were, with our hearts and souls, and with everything else in our little world together. just him and i, me and him. that's all that mattered.
and for once, i am thankful.
for all the bullshit drama.
for every battle, tear, and fight.
for that week of sleepless nights.
i stopped wondering what would have happened had i not gone to North Carolina last April.
and i am just so glad for what happened a year later than that.
had any part of our relationship gone even one slight kilter off, things wouldnt be the same. we wouldnt be the same. and more than likely, our beautiful son wouldn't be asleep in my lap as i type this.
it's sad that it has taken me a Deployment to let all the past hurts go. or maybe it was giving birth that did that.
but i no longer worry, or dread, i no longer sit and think about the times he's messed up, or even the day before me.
because now, and forever, he is mine. and our son's.
the past doesn't even begin to matter.

i have grown such a strong appreciation for my husband since he left.
it gave me time to sit down and really look how things have been and think on what it was that i really wanted. and now i know more than ever that all i ever want is him.
even up until a week before he left, i was so angry with him. for so so many things. things he never even meant to do, or didn't see how they hurt me.
that's his main flaw, he doesn't think all too well.
but for some reason, he has shown me more than enough now.
thank you, first month of Deployment, so letting me see the light, and letting my feel exactly what's real. i will forever remember that.
and i hope all the other months are just the same.

sleep well America, my Marine is protecting your freedom tonight.
remember, we're under the same stars. be safe, wherever you are. <3

forever, forever Michael Patrick.
Come Home Soon.